My brain hurts! For the past 72 hours I've done nothing but meet people about new projects, scan the internet for various curtains, carpets, props, shapes and how to's, bought stuff that I won't need for months and generally stared into space - why? I've got too many ideas and I've lost the remote control for it.
I'm writing this blog to give my mind some respite from the possibilities, my thoughts are racing ahead and it's difficult to slow them down or order them. I'm excited but I'm also anxious, I'm eager to articulate myself but attempting to distance myself and critic my actions.
This is what I call The Creative Brain - the thing that instinctively tells me how to make work, how I know it should look and why the decision to make the thing is a good one.
Sometimes The Creative Brain is out of control - I spent many years trying to numb this part of me with booze, drugs, food and avoidance. I think this is why so many artists are addicts - abusing yourself slows shit down, allowing you to be a bit normal (well that's what you think at the time).
The Creative Brain can also turn you into a recluse - I don't like being around people, I prefer to be lost in my thoughts. I hate it when the phone rings.
It can make you anxious - sometimes I'm worried people won't like my new ideas, yesterday I almost tweeted 'is my art good enough?' but realised it would make me sound like a cunt.
I think all artists worry - a wise man once told it was because our work is our identity, if we worked in chip shops and the chips weren't to every ones taste it wouldn't reflect badly on that person as a person - make shit art and you are a shit person.
To top it all I've realised how much my dyslexia interferes with my life too - I find spelling, sums and reading difficult. My brain wants to tell you its 10am when intact its 2pm. I can't tell my left from right and I need to take a notepad everywhere or I forget everything. Dates are my worst nightmare - I can't tell you what's happening tomorrow without looking at my iCal. Oh and you have to put up with people saying your a terrible speller or the ; use was incorrect (My boyfriend is the worst - he thinks if I look it up in a dictionary my dyslexia might be cured).
All this coupled with The Creative Brain is exhausting but I've learnt some coping mechanisms. When I need to write, lying on my belly helps me concentrate and the best time to do this is first thing in the morning. My email footer 'I'm dyslexic so this email might not make sense and have spelling errors.' tells the world its OK if you have no idea what I'm on about. Working! Working keeps me sane.
I'm also left handed - nightmare.
To recap - My brains symptoms include behavioural difficulties, agoraphobia, addiction, anxiety, depression and dyslexia. No wonder artists are fucking difficult creatures.
I guess I am telling you this because it's a useful insight into how some artists think. It's a public declaration from my body to my brain to say 'I know what you're up to'. Its me telling myself to try and find the off button.. maybe the stand by button sounds less dramatic.
I think I'm starting to think about making something about dyslexia.
Am I alone? You tell me... but before that I've got to make this bigger, read it 10 times, remove the repeat words, get it to make sense, spell check, hover over the publish button for 10 minutes and hope for the best.
Happy weekend kids.