There is just under a week until we open Violence and the panic begins. If you could see the narrative in my head on an hourly basis it would look like this:
This is shittiest thing I've ever made, people are going to walk out and the nightmares I've been having - forgetting make up, remembering all the words or falling over onstage are going to come true. I am useless, I have nothing to say, why don't I just pack it all up? I could be a receptionist, I'm good on the phone. This is it, no more art after this. Why do I put myself through this?
This is the best thing I've ever made, people are going to think differently of me after seeing this. It's like they will be able to understand what I've been trying to say all this time. I'm going to look amazing, I am amazing. My work is strong, I'm a great performer. Lets take over the world. I love doing this.
I think this has a lot to say about the performers psyche - self worth is either in abundance or non existent, no half way house. Getting a rapturous applause is like having a big line of coke - you feel great, your over the moon, you talk shit backstage and tell each other how amazing you all are. You go your separate ways and while your taking the slap off in a disabled toilet mirror it hits you, you want another go but there is none left.
It is at times like these I like to remind myself I'm not going my Dad's job on a roof at 5am in the middle of winter. Yes, performance can be important (if your genuinely trying to say something) but its not hard graft, maybe we like to think it is to justify the gratification? I made a pact with myself at the start of the year not to moan about being tired, it seems the done thing in our circles.
Who knows what next week will hold but who really cares anyway? I do. I hope you come, not because I want your money, applause or gratification, but I think you should see it, I think the messages are relevant and this I hope will get us all to think about the social issue within the show.
Click here to see a fat boy be honest
Click here to see a fat boy
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