Last week I was invited to talk at Hunt & Darton's Cafe symposium. I have performed 36 times at the cafe, jumping on trains from various locations to other lesser known locations, during which I have learnt a lot about the country I live in.
Here is what I said...
We live in
a country that’s divided – geographically, economically, racially and
politically.
A country
that is compartmentalised by class. Where only the middle classes think class
isn’t a thing any more, where people who live in houses have opinions of how
those who live on council estates should live, behave and the size of their
flat screen TVs. Where the middle aged, middle class, middle of the road male always
wins.
We live in
a country where people pronounce words differently to those 30 miles down the
road. Where people put pies in a roll and call it a pie barn. Where local
papers think lattes and donuts are wacky. Where avocado on toast is considered
a recipe Nigella invented. Where everyone is fussy about how much milk you put
in their tea.
We live in
a country that’s afraid. Afraid of people wearing clothes different from their
own. Where many of its population are really fucking poor, where some of its
population are really fucking rich, where the richest are encouraged not to pay
taxes. This is a country where families rely on food banks, milk tokens and the
generosity of strangers to survive.
We live in
a country that’s racist, homophobic and misogynistic.
We live in
a country that has a massive, uncontrollable addiction to alcohol, where people
inject on the streets to escape the world they live in, where Mayors cut
ribbons ignoring the street fights happening behind them.
We live in
a country that recruits young working class men from economically deprived
areas to people its army. We live in a country that’s at war.
We live in
a country unnerved by the non-white male and his backpack commuting across
town, unnerved by the non-white males doing evening prayer at the end of the
carriage.
We live in
a country where women are controlled by their partners, where the old are forgotten.
A country that tries to hide its civilians with visible disabilities, where those
with prams don’t think it’s right they have to move for a wheelchair.
We live in
a country where people are lonely, where people are isolated, where people
volunteer because they want to be involved, where people try to do their bit
despite a word we don’t understand – ‘austerity’.
We live in
a country that’s glad you came, we could do with more of this sort of thing
round here.
We live in
a country where anyone with a southern accent is considered privileged, posh,
from the telly or all three.
We live in
a country that wants to know where you’re from…
We line in
a country of overpriced train journeys, where there’s a Greggs around every
corner and where all the towns look very similar.
We live in
a country where men in white vans sound shit that’s inaudible but likely to be
phobic. That doesn’t like to be confronted when you out the arm nudging and mummers.
We live in
a country where a woman has invented the world’s first biodegradable nappy,
David Cameron has seen this nappy after calling the inventor to find out what
the next big thing was. It’s technically top secret but I only know about this
because I look trust worthy.
We live in
a country full of lairs.
We live in
a country where some people get it wrong, where people are penalised for past
mistakes, where your past matters, where the social standing of your birth
parents determines the opportunities available to you for life.
We live in
a country where people are “sorry but if we can’t look after our own then why
the fuck should we be letting the Romanians, the Africans or the Muslims in?
I’m not a racist but…”
We live in
a country that’s afraid.
A country
that’s afraid of art, a country where anyone could do that, that’s not art, a
messy bed? Where potato stamping is considered public engagement, where
marketing managers are paid twice the amount of the artists they are marketing.
Where the arts are expected to sort out the major social issues that our health
service is too pressured to deal with.
We live in
a country that steals bikes. A country that’s angry and aggressive, that’s
violent, where people kick, slap, stab – with the intent to kill each other.
We live in
a country full of UKIP mobile phone cases; swastikas mobile screen savers and
faded National Front tattoos, where Margret Thatcher is considered a role
model.
We live in
a country where the majority of the population prefer Spain because England
is not what it used to be.
is not what it used to be.
We live in
a country where some people are British, some English but where most people
find it awkward stating their nationality.
We live in a country that’s embarrassed.
We live in
a country that still mourns for Princess Diana. We live in a country where
every charity shop has a Princess Di & Prince Charles mug for sale, where
men are not allowed to look in the ladies section of charity shops, where we
get loads of people like you coming in, trying on stilettos. Never look good mind
you, but they keep coming back.
We live in
a country that’s depressed – in both senses of the word, that’s conservative –
in both senses of the word
We live
in this country.
You live in this country.
You live in this country.
More people
in this country play the lottery than those who vote. In fact more people
pretended they won £33 million in Worcestershire than those who signed a
parliamentary petition on Reforming Student Finance.
Here’s the best bit - we like to pretend everything’s all right here in our London bubble. That perhaps it did used to be better under Labours reign, that our shit smells of English roses. Wake up – this isle has always been a poxy shit hole.
If you were
in a relationship with this country your friends would take you to dinner and
say “Look he’s really abusive, he doesn’t want you here, he spends all your
money, he thinks you’re weird, he hits you, he’s bad for your mental health”
and depending on where you live in this country “…he’s shortening your life
span”.
Why am I so
fucked off? Because we allow it to fucking happen. We allow our politicians to
fuck us up the arsehole; we allow the judicial system to treat the working
classes, (specifically young black men) as criminals before proven guilty. We
allow our schools to be shit and fail our children. We allow our beloved NHS to
be sold off and our do gooders to be exploited. We allow our old to die slow,
painful and undignified deaths and we allow all of this to be funded by the public
purse.
We allow MP’s to take what they can whilst the rest of us do what we must. We allow councils to sell off public land to developers to create more wealth for the rich. We even allow Jeremy fucking Clarkson to talk about trans issues. We allow these patriarchal hierarchies to ruin the lives of the many. We allow this to happen. But it’s alright because we’re all so busy making our fucking super important theatre shows about beige.
We allow MP’s to take what they can whilst the rest of us do what we must. We allow councils to sell off public land to developers to create more wealth for the rich. We even allow Jeremy fucking Clarkson to talk about trans issues. We allow these patriarchal hierarchies to ruin the lives of the many. We allow this to happen. But it’s alright because we’re all so busy making our fucking super important theatre shows about beige.
Well, it’s
not good enough.
The image
you have in your head that we live in some cosmo-metro-paleo-handholding-community-embracing-I-cut-my-own-hair-free-thinking-liberal-lefty-green-and-pleasant-land
is bullshit.
We live in
a phobic-racist-poor-disenfranshised-post-colonial-pusedo-regenerated-conservative-led-shit-hole
with an “elected” government who has ideas way above its station. The sooner we
all admit this kingdom isn’t united nor this isle great the better.
So what
have I found out about this country in the last few years? Well, this country
is shit. In fact its really fucking rubbish. I’m becoming allergic to it.
I’m moving
to Spain.
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